In the midsts of Midterms, all but my feet are lost
Day 1 Into the ids of march! and down comes the acid rain..`
My feet are cold, that’s my only real feeling right now. I’m tired and weary, my stomach is begging for something to devour. Oh well, that’s what I get for studying for six straight hours. I know I’ll fail bio, but that is besides the point. I’m not here to dabble in the everyday topics school brings me. No. I’m here for me. Will this place help me find myself ? I hear venting on blogs is a great way to be free. I hope so. Sigh, why am i beating myself up like this. It’s not worth it. I look back at summer, I was a whole different person..~`
I was care free, like every possibility was at my fingertips. to have fun. to live it up a little. to live at all. I was happy then, in my own perfect world. I was who i wanted to be; i had found myself. People - my friends and my family - all wanted to be around me. Wanted me apart of every moment in a way; as if i made it more special. I was fun to be around, easy going- out going. Goofy, crazy, spontaneous! I was wild! i miss that. I miss waking up with a smile on my face, the way i always did. The way i could just jump out of bed knowing today would be awesome. I wanted to see the people i knew i was going to see (if that makes sense) it wasn’t the same ol’ routine like it is now. I get up,i get dressed, i go to school, for what? in summer, it’s a whole new world out there. the soft warm sun kissing your skin. The ambient glow of the amber sun against the water. Camp. There i am myself. I was born there (not literally) but with my own friends. no one at school to judge…just my good ol’ pals i love so dearly. I miss that feeling. I miss being free. I miss being genuinely happy. Now…i don’t know what it is
I feel numb, in a way. Unresponsive. Like i am just a robot, on auto pilot. Im not really enjoying being with friends, im just acting. Im not taking in the moment~ not savoring it at all. Now; im quiet, observent. not as fun as before. I don’t give off my happy-go-lucky vibe like i used to. Not many people choose to be around me, its more of a routine- where i am and who im with. Take classes for an example: i know who im gonna see, what time, how far away they sit from me. its so bland, like a glob of bird poo has landed on my beach towel out in the sun.
I can tell people think differently of me. Even Julia, Even owen; they’ve moved on. Im never the point of interest (not that i want to be center of attention) but i feel like no one has a preference of where i am or what i say. no one is truly interested. I can’t hold up a conversation- i have no interest to talk much. I ‘ll say a few things. but im boring. Im all washed up, over used. I need to change. I hate myself. I hate being no fun. I hate being the one who is just “there”. The one who follows the group around, hardly contributing. thats what i am. a follower. a robot follower. slowly eating my positive emotions. im either neutral or negative. im not happy. I can’t remember the last time i thought to myself “i really want to remember this forever”
it came all down hill after the second month of school. I changed somehow. but what? i was awesome during summer (awesome as in 100% okay, im not that conceeded people, common)
I was even better in the beginning when owen and i started going out. even before….but now i mean, i love him, but im scared to be myself around him. Why? i get so nervous, like hes gonna point out my flaws. SHouldn’t i be 100% comfortable around him. I feel like i have to dress nicer for school to impress him. If i were me, id rock band shirts everyday (which i cant anyway, considering i only have two of them)
Is owen the problem? i love him to death. maybe i need to be reborn with him, have a chance to shop my wild side and know he wont care..i wonder…`
